One year ago

It is hard to believe that it is one year since our dear Helena left us. Like the shadow that danced from the candle I lit for her last night, her spirit fluttered away during the early morning hours of this summers day last year. Our lives came to a standstill but somehow the world hasn't stopped spinning.

We decided to pay tribute to Helena's memory with a trip to Rye, the little quite village in the English countryside that we stayed in last May. With the heavens pouring down with rain, we travelled out on the train and were filled with comforting yet hard memories of our time there last year.

As soon as we got into the town we walked up the little cobbled streets, seeking out the darling antique shop that Helena just loved and I wrote about last year. But when we turned the corner I noticed immediately that the shop had changed from its old shabby chic exterior to some fancy new ladies dress shop. The lovely old man who ran the shop had retired and somehow it felt fitting that this little gem had withdrawn from the world, just like our beautiful Helena.

We filled the rest of the day with lunch at the quaint Mermaid Inn, lit candles in the old cathedral, and took a taxi out to Great Knelle farm. This was the place where we spent our last few days outside the hospital with Helena and she really cherished it, always saying in the hospital that she couldn't wait to travel back out to the farm and the little lambs. Now we were back and the life at the farm felt the same, but we were there without Helena clinging gently onto our arms.

With time it seems one has to accept that we continue our days without Helena next to us, but I know we all feel her light and love in our hearts. I wish everyday we had gotten more time together, but I have also learned to be grateful for all we had. You are so very missed Helena and still so very loved. That will never change.

Cecilia and Helena at Great Knelle Farm

Guest Post: Anne Ostman -Linden Flowers to Helena

Helena,

The Linden trees are blooming. Their sweet but not heavy smell lies over Clapham Common and somehow it reminds me of you. On my early morning walks up there I have had my alone time with you. 

You know how I have talked to you and sometimes asked you for advice and in the wind your presence has been so real. I’m going to miss my walks up there with you, meeting all the kids on their way to school and watching the dogs chasing each other over the wide open field.

It is time for us to leave the house; it is time for me to leave London. On Friday it is a year since you left us. Or did you really? Because somehow that feeling that I was so scared of losing is still there, you are with us my darling, but not in the way we had wanted it to be. We should have lived in this nice house all together. It did not happen that way, everything turned out the way nobody wanted it to. 

But we have had a nice time here at 17 Parma Crescent. Your friends have been taking good care of us and we sometimes of them. We have passed your old place on our way in to Sloan Square and it is as if we have followed in your foot steps here, lived your London life.

On Friday we are going down to Rye. We think it is a nice thing to do; go for a quiet walk around the lovely little city as we used to walk around with you. Visit the little antique shop even though we are not going to buy anything (we have too many things as it is). We will have lunch at the little pub and hopefully we can get a taxi to take us out to Great Knell Farm.

You liked it there, with the baby lambs and the horses. We all liked it there, but it was cold. I could have stayed there for ever, I wanted life to stop there, stop as it was, all of us together and you smiling over the strawberry cake and bubbly on my birthday. 

So darling this is it from London, next time I will be at Gotland and I will have been able to visit your grave. I have not seen the head stone and I have not planted that rose yet. I will, and you know I will make sure to pick one that smells as nice as the Linden flowers at Clapham Common.

I will for always love you and your sisters, you are all three of you so very special, not only to me but to so many people, and I will for ever be grateful for having had the opportunity to share my life with you.

With all my love and a big thank you to the three of you,

Anne

Helena and Anne at Borough Market, London

Annika, Anne and Helena at the Tate Modern

Helena and Anne at a restaurant in London

Cecilia and Helena on a London bus on their way to her farewell party